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Sunday, November 20, 2005

The Lawsuit Against Satmar That You Have Not Heard About

A UOJ exclusive
I literally received hundreds of e-mail asking me to republish this post. Enjoy!!

A Williamsburg man who had a panic attack when he found he was glued to a toilet seat in a Satmar restroom, has sued the two Rebbes for negligence, saying the Rebbes were too busy fighting to help him get his tuchis off the toilet.

Retired shamash and old Rebbes' left handed ass wiper, Moshe Chaim Penislover, 67, said on Thursday he was stuck in the stall with his pants down for about 20 minutes and that being only two years after the "incident" where the Rebbe shit on his head, he was suffering from post-traumatic stress, which has triggered diabetes and heart complications.

"I have these nightmares every night where I am locked in this dark room, with no windows, no doors, no fresh air, no route for escape and the Rebbe pissing all over me. I wake up in these cold sweats, feeling like drek, and soaked to the bone" the Shamash said.

Spokesmen for Satmar could not immediately be reached for comment, they were all in jail.

The Shamash said in a lawsuit filed last week in Villiamsboog, Brooklyn, near Hevesh Strit, that he thought he was having a heart attack when he realized his tuchis, one ball, and legs, were stuck to the toilet seat in the Satmar restroom that doubles up as a boxing ring, drug money laundry, and a shul.

He explained his plight to a Satmar gangster who came into the restroom but other mamzerim thought it was a hoax so he had to wait until someone else came in, to again summon help.They went back to eating herring and onions, the lawsuit complains.

The ex-Shamash is claiming unspecified damages for help with medical and psychiatric bills, for humiliation and for the diabetes he said he has developed as a result of the stress.

The Mohel, Yitzchok Fisher, was called to examine him and see if his "yatzmach" was effected by all this trauma. Fisher gave him the usual quick suck (actually not that quick), and assurred the cheering crowd that the "yatzmach" was an oldy but a goody.

"Satmar not only ignored my plight, they refused to help a Jewish asshole in distress," he said. The Shamash said he suspected the glue had been placed there as a prank by the two Rebbes seen earlier masturbating in the restroom, and now out on bail.As is well known, Rebbes are forbidden to work for a living, and have much free time "in" their hands. (pun intended)

UOJ has attempted to interview the Shamash, but was told he was locked in the New Square restroom with Hillary Clinton seeking to have his ass pardoned.

31 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Sunday, November 06, 2005 11:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Simcha said...

absolutely the funniest and best post you ever did, uoj.

Sunday, November 06, 2005 11:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

UOJ,

You seem to be getting a lot of comment spam - you can get rid of this by going to your blogger comments settings, and turning word verification on. Just a suggestion as it may save you time instead of having to delete annoying comments.

Monday, November 07, 2005 12:05:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Thankyou.
I have a feeling that certain anonymous posters would choose not to comment, fearing that the code would be traceable.
Something to think about, though.

Monday, November 07, 2005 12:50:00 AM  
Anonymous bad credit lo personal signature loan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, November 07, 2005 3:36:00 AM  
Blogger vwutt said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, November 07, 2005 3:50:00 AM  
Blogger TheDevilIsInTheDetails said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, November 07, 2005 4:47:00 AM  
Blogger Y.Y. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, November 07, 2005 5:10:00 AM  
Blogger Y.Y. said...

uoj i saw this story on drudge report was the home depot guy stuck to the toilet in home depot

Monday, November 07, 2005 5:10:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

You're a genius, Y.Y.

Monday, November 07, 2005 9:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

y.y., stick to your picture to the toilets in satmar shtiebelach. You might get some dates.

Monday, November 07, 2005 10:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Y Y:

Get rid of the picture. It gives me the creeps.

Monday, November 07, 2005 10:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, November 07, 2005 11:13:00 AM  
Anonymous jewboy said...

You are one funny Jew.

Monday, November 07, 2005 7:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yy, I saw in an anchient "holy" book that if the satmar rebbe brothers poop on your picture its good luck. Send both the brothers your picture with 10000 dollars,and they will accomodate you. The money is not refundable.
Its a great thing to do, it has made many a poor man richer. If you want sources, let me know.
It originated with the Fullabulla
rebbe whose the grandson of the Almostfullabulla rebbe, who can trace his family back to the "snake"
that fooled eve into eating the apple. Its true, the Fullabulla
shamas told me this personally. It cost me 10000 dollar though. And your getting this information for free. What a bargain?For more things to do, for 10000 dollars ill send you the Old "holly' book.

Monday, November 07, 2005 7:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a bargain? It cost me 20000 dollars. But i got it from the
Robberandstealer Rebbe whose the grandson of the Fraudandholierthathou Rebbe. It doesn't really matter where it originates from.It was worth the 20grand.

Monday, November 07, 2005 7:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oy vey, I got it for 50000 dollars, but from Takethemoneyandrun Rebbe, whose the granson of Fraudsincorporated
Rebbe.

Monday, November 07, 2005 8:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What yichus?

Monday, November 07, 2005 8:08:00 PM  
Anonymous yossel the greek said...

I am the ainekel of the Breslover, and the Kakinyom rebbe, and I hoid dat fer a fiftzeger mer kennen koifen der Rebbetzin.

Monday, November 07, 2005 8:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ive seen your rebetzin, and shes no prize. you can keep her

Monday, November 07, 2005 9:19:00 PM  
Anonymous yossel the greek said...

you know yankel?

Monday, November 07, 2005 9:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yankel who? so many yankels around.
does he have a red beard, black beard, or perhapes a blond beard.

Monday, November 07, 2005 9:31:00 PM  
Anonymous yossel the greek said...

it depends on his mood.

Monday, November 07, 2005 9:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

itzik?

der itsiker rebbe scratched his beard a lot.

this means mayer blumberg will win if he sucks up to enough people b'peh.

Monday, November 07, 2005 10:02:00 PM  
Blogger blaze said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 1:33:00 AM  
Blogger lovetips2006 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 2:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Good Jew said...

Where is kelsey gross and am echad and shlomo homo?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 12:58:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Good Jew,
It is possible Shlomo hurt their feelings.
I hope they come back, real talented guys, with legitimate gripes.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 1:57:00 PM  
Blogger AmEchad said...

Briiliant post!

I loved it!!!!

I have been gone for too long. I will IYH make an attempt to be an active participant on this blog.

Where is my good buddy Gross?

Thursday, November 10, 2005 12:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are the funniest guy I know.

Sunday, November 13, 2005 3:40:00 PM  
Anonymous aaron said...

Truly funny, i laughed non stop.

Friday, November 18, 2005 1:14:00 AM  

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