UN-ORTHODOX JEW

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Jewish Genius

I knew it!

I did not need any study to tell me how smart we Jews are.

All I have to do is look around at all the great ideas that Orthodox Jews created,I can easily tell that they are geniuses when it comes to making money out of nonsense.

1-Chalav Yisroel.All you have to do to get Jewish milk,is put any alta kaker on a farm that produces milk and the milk magically becomes Chalav Yisroel.
He could be 100 yards from where the cows are being milked,he can fall asleep,he can be over twelve, over 100 years old who has Alzheimers,as long as he is not a woman chas v'shalom(hard to tell nowadays),you got Jew Milk.
You can charge as much as you want for this watered down white liquid,because it magically became chalav yisroel.

2-New York water is non kosher.You need to buy filters or put a shmatta under the faucet to eliminate shratzim.I say the only shratzim in the New York water are the guys who made up this B.S.,if & when they ever shower.

3-Hats.It used to be the Shvartzes with the most hats.
No more!
You got all kinds of hats.
Weekday hats,hats you leave in the car,hats you leave in shul,hats for the rain,hats for Shabbos,hats for chasunas,hats for Yom-Tov,big fur ones,doughnut shaped fur hats,velvet hats, and kosher plastic hat covers.

4-Hilchos Nidah.

You got that right.

The rav that is the most maikel(lenient),gets the most lunch bags in his mail box and front porch.
It also became a major fundraising tool.
Anyone that leaves a check in the bag for over $100,is guaranteed to get a very lenient psak.
Who ever said that Jewish blood is cheap?

If a rabbi plays his cards right,he can build all his kids new houses on nidah money.
When rabbonnim are deeply engrossed in conversation at chasunahs,what do you think they are talking about?
You got it,they are bragging about how many bags a week they get.

If business slacks off,all they have to do is "SAY YES".No big deal, they have been used to saying yes since the night they got married.

Any rav that paskens hilchos nidah knows a sure way for him to get satisfied mispallelim is to go easy on the underwear.

When I walk into any shul and see smiling mispallelim,I know the rav is a smart guy.

In most shuls I walk into, the guys look like hell and miserable.Smarten up rabbis,start paskening hilchos nidah.

This Rav went over to a sick looking mispallel and asked him why he looked so terrible.
The mispallel said things are so very tough,the children are difficult and my wife gained an awful lot of weight.
The Rav responded-I know,size 18!

I heard that one of a rav's many children,had a very unique lunch one day when his father was in a rush and did the lunch bags!

Malcolm Forbes,the billionaire,was asked "what was the meaning of life?"
He said,"the guy with the most toys wins".
I say,the rabbi with the most lunch bags wins!

45 Comments:

Anonymous Gross said...

Funny you should say so. I though it was only me who noticed that guys in Shul look like drek. No I am not checking them out, I am happily married thank you but I can't help but realize that they all look miserable unkempt, overweight and anxious.

I sort of left the fold for a while and then tried to return by attending minyan. It's such a downer looking at everyone. Somethings wrong. Oh and I REFUSE to give my wife's bedika cloth to a sniffing rabbi - I think that's sick (I am not a BT may father is actually a real Yeshivish Rabbi.)

Thursday, June 30, 2005 3:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Yid said...

I agree. Frum guys look like shi** Most are overweight with shiny, rumpled slacks and dirty jackets. But don't forget the cool glasses and starched oversized shirts.

Thursday, June 30, 2005 4:09:00 PM  
Anonymous shlugger said...

When I'm not in the mood of banging my wife I just examine the cloth like an "expert" and say: Nah, we'll have to wait another day.

Thursday, June 30, 2005 4:11:00 PM  
Blogger David Kelsey said...

What about "glatt"? Gotta give the Sephardim credit " new "Bait Yosef" meat.

Thursday, June 30, 2005 5:23:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

They must have intermarried with ashkenazim,pure blooded sephardim aint that smart.

Thursday, June 30, 2005 5:27:00 PM  
Anonymous daat y said...

like th Rambam and R.Yosef Karo.

Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:22:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Hey Posek Shlugger,
Pretty creative stuff!

Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:33:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Gross,
Look for a rabbi over 90,chances are he can't see or smell!

Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:37:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Yid,
Sure these guys can't afford to dress better.
Their wives are bleeding them to death.!

Thursday, June 30, 2005 7:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Yid said...

You knowm you're right - now you're msking me feel bad. Some of these JAPs are the fu**ing worst. Thety torture their men until they become depressed zombies - you're right about that. Ironically some of the kolel guys can look spiffy while their Ba'alabatishe counterparts look terribe. Go figure, te working man is the poor slob!

Thursday, June 30, 2005 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

The Kollel guys sleep until noon,they know their wives are taking care of the parnassah and the kids.
If the father-in-law does not shick gelt,he sends the whole mishpacha back to her parents C.O.D.
Than these bargains go to work on the blackmail for get situation.
So in short these b'haimas are keeping everyone busy but themselves.

Yid,
You missed my pun"bleeding them to death"

Thursday, June 30, 2005 8:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

un-orthodox, your ignorant ramblings about kollel yungerleit are ridiculous. Fix yourself, then talk about the world.

Thursday, June 30, 2005 9:43:00 PM  
Blogger Shlomo said...

Same crap post after post.
We all know that you're disgruntled and unhappy with the current state of frum culture. You've expressed your disdain for contemporary jewish life a million times. You obsession is so deep that you have to complain about how frum men dress.
On one hand you're crying about how unkempt we are, but on the other hand I'm sure that you cry about those of us who drop $5,000 @ Emporio for yom tov.
All you do is knit pick, and you're worse than the worst nagging wife.
You hate gedolim. You hate kollel yungerleit. You hate the way we dress. How 'bout restaurants, any complaints? Kashrus in general? You've already slammed taharas hamishpacha etc... What do you like about your life anyways?
I don't know if you have any children but if you do I'm sure you have problems with their education, and I'm sure you shoot your mouth off about it in front of them. In fact, you probably expose them to you laitsanus every day. Maybe you'll be lucky and they'll escape the whole burdensome worthless jewish crap before their society forces them to conform.
If you're so disgruntled dpick up the family and move to Idaho. I'm sure you could find a place far away from any jews, but even if you did you'd find something to cry about. Like I advised you in a previous post, try learning a little bit, mussar would be a great place to start (surely you don't think learning Torah is nonsense) and let G-d handle the rest.

Friday, July 01, 2005 10:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everything flows from his disregard for Torah. No one who loves to learn can write like that about taharas mishpacha.

Friday, July 01, 2005 10:37:00 AM  
Anonymous gross said...

Something is dead wrong with the system of Taharas Hamishpacha. Many couples won't bring their dirty cloths to a Rov for inspection. Who can blame them? Why can't there be programs in place to teach people to pasken their own shailos when it comes to this particular aspect? People learn Kashrus, why can't this be learned? What happened to the fundamentals of Tznius? It's just plain disgusting.

Friday, July 01, 2005 12:18:00 PM  
Anonymous gross said...

Frum Yidden are sheep. We are a sucker community that is dumbed-down by a few scumbags who run the show. Lakewood Eir Hakodesh is a scam. Thousands flock to sit on their ass and obey the "Mesorah" not to work while their Rosh Hayeshivas earn a fat paycheck and own a ton of real estate.

Friday, July 01, 2005 12:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have never stepped foot in Lakewood and never will.

Friday, July 01, 2005 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

You should step foot in Lakewood,wear your boots!

Friday, July 01, 2005 1:26:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Gross,
You got that right!

Friday, July 01, 2005 1:28:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Hey Gross,
I think maybe to clean up the taharas mishpocho issue,there should be Niddah Centers.
Ok,you get a Jewish delivery company who picks up the underwear(like a diaper service).
These guys could be kollel guys on their break(24/7).
They bring the underwear to the center where the inspection process takes place by any convicted sex offender who has not shaved for a year.
Now we get the Chinese involved.
Any circumcised Chinaman can get the OU to get a KOSHER Chinese laundry next door to the center.
Basically,a one stop shop!
The undergarments get inspected,cleaned and repaired if needed and returned within a day.
If the undergarments are brought in on Thursday or Friday,perhaps we can get a Kosher Chinese take-out restaraunt(ou certified) in the laundry.
Just imagine all the services we can get done with a Yiddishe Kup.!

Friday, July 01, 2005 1:41:00 PM  
Blogger Shlomo said...

You couldn't step foot in Lakewood because you couldn't pass the farheir, and you probably couldn't when you were younger, thus the anger. BTW Gross R' Yerucham Olshin lives in a 2x4 yeshiva apartment, and he has for several years. I hate to lower your self esteem but there are many choshuve talmidei chachamim, who are moiser nefesh for Torah each and every day. There are even many of us besides un-orthodox that earn their smichah the hard way. You guys use blanket statements and generalizations to justify your own yetzer harah. Grow up and do something positive instead of crying about on an anonymous blog.

Friday, July 01, 2005 2:06:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Shlomole,
Yerucham Olshin is definitely a lamed vuvnik!!!(nothing to do with the size of his apartment)
See my previous list of tzaddikim.
How come there are only a handful of these guys?
BTW,I completed shas twice & was farhered by the greatest gaon alive today!
I also spent time in Ponovesz,OK?
I hate the B.S. going on today by the morons and behaimas.
Do me something!

Friday, July 01, 2005 2:16:00 PM  
Anonymous gross said...

Shlomo,

You wrote: I hate to lower your self esteem but there are many choshuve talmidei chachamim, who are moiser nefesh for Torah each and every day.

Yes, there are plenty who are "moiser nefesh" but at who's expense?! Burnt out, neglected wives that are literally turned into baby machines, babies left to sizzle in cars, angry and rebellious children, and a financially tapped-out in-law base. The truth will prevail and this thievery won't last another generation. There will be nothing to $u$tain it!

Friday, July 01, 2005 4:03:00 PM  
Anonymous gross said...

Shlomo:

Perhaps we should focus on the Kotler-clan and it wouldn't hurt to refelct on the BS Heter Me'ah Rabbonim that everyone refuses to acknowledge.

Friday, July 01, 2005 4:06:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Gross,
You make some REAL VALID POINTS!
The problem is that we are talking to the wall!

There is NOBODY in the yeshiva world that wants to address these REAL issues.

There is so much resentment & hate, because their system sucks.

You are right,in a generation(if they get that far)their party will be over.

History will remember them as the worst purveyors of fraud ever.

Shabsi Tzvi will be a mega Tzaddik compared to these thieves.

Friday, July 01, 2005 5:27:00 PM  
Anonymous heshy said...

Hey Unorthodox Jew,
Cut the generalizations 'bout Lakewood et al.You don't know anything about them.Most people in Lakewood work, yes the men works!.Yungerleit generally learn for a couple of years then join the work force.
gross Re:The 'heter' meah rabbonim.I almost fell off the chair laughing.You obviously know nothing about the case.Every sane soul sided with the Kotlers on this one, her case was totally absurd.The people 'fighting' against this just jumped on the bandwagon out of total hate, in fact, even when the wifes' family gave up the fight those few lunatics continued it.

Friday, July 01, 2005 6:36:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Hey Hesh,
There are over 4000 people sitting on their behinds in Lakewood,OK!
I know Lakewood inside out,MAYBE,JUST MAYBE 700-800 deserve to be supported on PUBLIC FUNDS.
THE REST ARE BEHAIMAS THAT SHOULD JOIN THE WORK FORCE LIKE THE OTHER LADERGEIRS THAT SAT ON THEIR BEHINDS FOR YEARS.

Friday, July 01, 2005 6:45:00 PM  
Anonymous gross said...

Heshele,

Of course the "raid" is always "the wife was mamish crazy, no she really was..." (in this case I am referring to another famous divorced Rosh HaYeshiva who I choose not to name but I'm sure you know of quite well)

When R' Shach screamed about the "heter" nobody cared but when it comes to bashing Lubavitch let's all stand behind "R' Mann"

R' Malkiel Kotlers wife was abandoned in Israel. Period.

Friday, July 01, 2005 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Gross,
OK give me the poop on the other guy.
I think you may mean SFS?

Friday, July 01, 2005 7:16:00 PM  
Anonymous gross said...

No (Who's SFS?) I'd rather not talk about this Rosh Hayeshiva on this forum because it wasn't scandalous - he is a nice man who simply got a divorce because he was married to the Yeshiva. (A wife needs attention ya know)

The Yeshivishe "raid" is that the wife was crazy. "Me thinks" they only say that to take away from the fact that he simply got divorced - albeit legitimately. They need to cover up because how then could all the heilige shidduch seekers refuse a shidduch from a broken home if this well-known Gadol's marriage dissolved? Capishe?

Friday, July 01, 2005 7:33:00 PM  
Blogger Shlomo said...

Un-orthodox writes "BTW,I completed shas twice & was farhered by the greatest gaon alive today! I also spent time in Ponovesz,OK"?
I'm surprised that you refer to anybody but yourself as a gaon. I'm also sooooo proud of you that you "spent time" in Ponevezh and finished shas twice. I guess your experience in B'nei Brak and your mastery of shas qualify you to denigrate almost every living godol, because you know so much more than them. You might think so, but reading through the Artscroll w/ the daf yomi twice hardly equals decades of learning yomam v'lailah. So what exactly caused your breakdown?. Aside from learning shas you must've mastered hilchos chillul Hashen and sinas chinam, because you're great at performing those aveiros. Your 2 times shas and Ponevezh are utterly worthless.

Sunday, July 03, 2005 12:08:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Shlomo,
I never said I was baal halocho.

I am living proof that yedios in shas does not a godol make.

That is EXACTLY MY POINT!

Sunday, July 03, 2005 12:24:00 AM  
Anonymous gross said...

"Yomam v'laila" - Puhleeeze! Half the Rosh HaYeshiva's today haven't cracked a book in years and you know it! - they're just too busy running their businesses.

The issur of listening to lashon hara is also great. I think the attention you give to this blog confirms your hypocricy. Don't give mussar to someone who wont listen...that's also assur

Sunday, July 03, 2005 2:34:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Gentlemen,
I must be getting my point across,there were no ads for Margulies,and no ads for random brachos to be charged to people's credit cards this week.
Who knows maybe I am hitting a raw nerve that honest people were afraid to approach?
Time will tell,but I WILL KEEP AFTER THE BEHAIMAS,PHONIES AND THIEVES.
Count on it!

Sunday, July 03, 2005 11:27:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Shlomo,
I know you mean well,and you appear to be an ehrliche guy who wants to be m'kayim" Hochaoch Tocheach".Kol hakovod.
I feel that I must call attention to the charlatans in our midst and am looking to be m'kayim "ubearta harah makirbecho"
If you look at the list I composed of ehrliche Yiden(my opinion),there are so many more ehrliche Yiden than Rishaaim.
I know what I am talking about.

Sunday, July 03, 2005 12:06:00 PM  
Anonymous heshy said...

GroSs,
You irritate me with your Stupidity regarding Malkiel Kotlers divorce.When Some haters bring this subject up you know that you won't get any logic out of them.
Kotlers wife was not 'abandoned' in Israel, in fact, though they did not have kidS for many yearS and his father R'Shneour had died and left over the poSt as roSh yeShivaS Lakewood, she and her family were adamant that he not move to Lakewood.she would not move or take a divorce.What should he do?????
BeSides everything else that were not bleSSed with kids after many years.Are you telling me he haS to put up with it all.
I've not gotten into half the Story,including though, he iS long married with kids she Still as far as i know ,not taken the get, which iS being kept for her.
UnorthodoxS:You are correct that there are 4000 yungerleit in LaKEWOOD, HOWEVER As I pointed out, most will stay for a couple of yearS and move into the workforce.You are being dishonest, when you portray them aS people who have decided not to work for the reSt of their lives.You won't allow the guy, even two/three yearS of full time study????
Btw, I don't and have never learned in Lakewood.I don't claim to be their biggest fan, but cannot stomach you diSingenuous attackS

Monday, July 04, 2005 7:17:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Anyone can learn as long as they want,But only the MITZUYONIM should be entitled to public money.

Monday, July 04, 2005 7:51:00 PM  
Anonymous heShy said...

What you are Saying now iS plain shallow.
Metzuyonim are the oneS who will learn with or without support.Bainoynim need some support.Btw, the money iS not 'public money'.There iS no pay, unleSs you have attended lakewood for two years and the pay iS a couple of hundered a monthS!!!
Have you not heard of comunity college by the non jews????
They use 'public money' becauSe they know that in the future this money iS a good investment

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 1:17:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Let those bainonim get up at 5 a.m. to learn,rather than sleep till noon.
They do not learn more than a couple of hours a day if that!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 1:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

un-orthodox, why don't you stick to facts instead of fabricating them. seriously, you are wrong on this issue. just be a man, swallow it in, and give it up.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 2:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The rav must know my wife a little,except he is off by one size-she is size 20 the last time I cared to look

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 6:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I suppose you can bash mainstream orthodoxy all you want, but the facts speak for themselves.

I agree with you 100% that it's a FAR from perfect system. That being said, look around at how well other system's seem to be working.

Are you going to deny that drug use , pre-marital sex, and a host of other evil's are more prevalent in the modern orthodox world?

Friday, July 08, 2005 3:13:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Please!
You have no idea what is going on in the Charedi-Chasidic world.
Don't get me going!

Friday, July 08, 2005 4:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Un-orthodox,

Seeing as you are not part of the hasidic or charedi world, its hardly likely that ANYONE would countenance your ramblings with even a modicum of credulity.

So take a cold shower. Open your medicine cabinet. Take your medication. And if that does not work, then capitulate; just give in to those voices in your head, and slit your wrists.

It's not like anyone needs you anyway.

Sunday, July 10, 2005 7:28:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

I took my meds,now what?
My mommy said I should not hurt myself.

Monday, July 11, 2005 7:44:00 PM  

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