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Sunday, July 03, 2005

Kosher Pigs

Those that follow the news know that new species of animals are being found.

A new breed of animal was recently found that should render the animal kosher once shechita is performed.
Of course there is a dispute brewing because there is no reference to this behaima in the Torah or in our Mesorah.

I say there are so many behaimas walking around that the Torah does not specifically mention.

A new species of monkey was recently found as well in the mountains of South America.

I wondered to myself how gratifying it must be to discover a new species of behaima,chaya or oif. I would love to be able to make the brocho of Oseh Maaseh Breishes upon discovering a new animal.

This last month I attended a combined total of 33 simchas,mostly unenjoyable because I was running from place to place.

And then it struck me!I looked around at a particular chassunah where there was a huge smorgasboard,and ut,a new species, Kosher Pigs!

Yes,people were grabbing food with their hands,stuffing their mouths with whatever fit in,non-stop.Before their mouths were empty,they kept loading up their plates,one plate with fish and another with meat and another with cakes.One of this new species was actually juggling four plates!

I was not quite sure if I was required to make a brocho or not.Actually I have seen this all my life and it may not require a brocho.So I decided this would be a good shaila for the Yated Poskim,and would wait for a psak before I chas v'sholom would make a bracha livatala.

Maybe I should call CNN or the Discovery channel to report this new species?What would we name them?
Aha!
"Jewatawedding"!

It is not everyday you see people that look somewhat like people, but act like animals.
At every kiddush and every simcha we attend,I guess the animal in us just comes out.

I would wager that the people in Darfur would behave with more dignity.

Larry King would definitely like to get a panel going on this topic.
He could get a Glatt Kosher caterer,a member of the Rubashkin slaughtering house with the dancing cow after it was killed,a Rav Umachsir or two or three or four or five,depending on the type of hat they wear,and of course members of the OU,KAJ,OK,KKK,and all the AK's in Brooklyn that have nothing to do that night.

Smorgasboards have become a contact sport,just watch what happens to the waiter that walks out of the kitchen with a new tray of food. A Hatzoloh ambulance can never be too close.

I know that we eat only to have enough energy to learn Torah and perform mitzvos.
We also want our kids at home to have enough energy to learn Torah and perform mitzvos,therefore after the simcha we take home anything on the table that is not nailed down.

Well,the July blues have set in,and the cows are grazing in upstate New York.

The simchas have tapered off,the husbands are left to their own devices for the week days(wipe those smiles off your faces),and the nebach wives are scrubbing the floors in their country homes,while the kids are making their own beds in camp without help from Maria.

Life's a b...,and then you die.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're very funny.i like your humor.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 7:01:00 PM  
Blogger roseboy said...

I have never laughed so hard b/c everything you are saying is so true when it comes to Jews and food. I had to stop laughing so I wouldn't wake the kids up.
Keep up the good work and maybe more people will realize that you are speaking the emes and they will change their evil ways.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Roseboy,
Thanks for sharing!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005 11:42:00 PM  
Blogger Rachack said...

UOJew, please comment on this post:
http://rachack.blogspot.com/2005/07/secret-shliach-man.html

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 8:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

UO;

WOW!! Dead on! laughed so hard, couldn't catch my breath. Keep at it!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 10:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sounds like your wife has been giving you the cold shoulder for a while....a real case of sexual deprivation....why don't you go into the bathroom, masterbate, and the grow up

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 7:28:00 PM  

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