Monday, August 29, 2005

Baal Tshuva Blues

Ba'al Tshuva Blues
By Farshtoonkena Yid

His life was in tatters,
His ego destroyed,
His parents he hated,
Each day was a void.

A spastic at sports,
a failure at school,
and beset with a complex
about his small tool.

He then met a rabbi
with black hat and beard
who taught him to daven.
He got really weird.

He grew his beard long
and donned clothes of black,
He became a fanatic
and stopped wiping his crack.

His rabbi had told him,
(Or so he had thought)
that you can't use your hand
to wipe that bad spot.

So he hired a dog
To do the deed right
But then his rav told him
"A dog! He could bite!

"No dogs for a Jew!
to lick out your crack,
Grow your beard long
Get dressed in the sack!

"Don't look at women
Stop stroking your schlong
Don't even touch it,
That would be wrong!

"And don't go to movies,
And don't go to bars,
The beaches are ossur
And so are sports cars.

"Don't drink in one gulp
And cover your legs!
Don't work for a living.
Hashem said to beg!

"You can't go to college
and don't read any books.
Forget all you know
Ignore all the crooks."

The rav said to marry
he tried very hard
but no one would date him
except a retard.

And that's the sad story
of Ba'al Tshuva blues
The poor sad Ba'al Tshuva
That's the Ba'al Tshuva blues.


Anonymous gross said...

You are in the wrong profession! Unbelievably funny, even Shlomo is laughing!

Monday, August 29, 2005 7:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you should post the other poems that Farshtoonkena wrote also.

Monday, August 29, 2005 8:15:00 PM  
Blogger kjef1 said...

dear, Your blog contained some serious information that exposed some of the hypocrisy. However, its now becoming a site for "Lazonus" (Lightheadedness). Your ruining your own reputation, and the purpose of the site.

Monday, August 29, 2005 8:55:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Dear KJEF1,
We must have a sense of humor.

I appreciate your concern about sliding into latzonus, I can assure you that I will continue to provide, with my fellow board members,a no holds barred opinion of the serious issues that plague us.

Humor is healing, I hope you can laugh a little.
It's tough out there.

Monday, August 29, 2005 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger kjef1 said...

dear, your right humor is healing.
I do have a sense of humor, but its sad to read about people who
yearn to be good Torah Jews and are turned off by the "system". People can become turned off for various reasons, yet its still heart wrenching.

Monday, August 29, 2005 9:30:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Dear KJEF1,

I went to be menachem avel a family recently.

It was the last day they were sitting shiva, and the gloom was unbearable.

I told them a story that the niftar told me that was very funny.
They all broke out in laughter for a long time.

Later that month I met the avel in shul;he commented that of all the stories that were told at shiva, the humorous story I recited was the most healing for the family.

Monday, August 29, 2005 9:43:00 PM  
Anonymous sechel said...

Great point about humor,When done appropriately it eases tension and even conquers'athletes foot.'

Monday, August 29, 2005 10:26:00 PM  
Anonymous R. Chaim HaQoton said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, August 29, 2005 10:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Rabbi Tarfon said...

r. chaim haqoton: You should be ashamed of yourself for being a stick in the mud. Lighten up!

Monday, August 29, 2005 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger Reb Chaim HaQoton said...

Rabbi Tarfon, just because you don't hold of a "dayo" and ever Kal V'Chomer is therefore good in your eyes, doesn't mean you have to agree with everything!

Monday, August 29, 2005 11:40:00 PM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

R' Chaim "Hakoton",
You should NOT advertise your katnus.
Bad enough your wife is complaining.

Monday, August 29, 2005 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Reb Chaim HaQoton said...

Your last two sentences are false.

Monday, August 29, 2005 11:50:00 PM  
Anonymous sechel said...

Those are strong words about GH.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

strong and false.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:06:00 AM  
Anonymous gross said...

R' Chaim,

I guess my cover is blown. I am really Elya Svei. How did you figure it out?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:10:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

How's the Alzheimer meds workin' fer ya?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

It washes the socks as well.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:44:00 AM  
Anonymous R. Chaim HaQoton said...

gross, I know that you aren't Rav Elyah, but you confirmed what I suspected that you are a certain person who used to learn in Philly with the last name Gross.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:51:00 AM  
Anonymous gross said...


You really are "fuqing" stupid!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 1:03:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

I am deleting SPAM posts only.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 1:07:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Hey Gross,
We keep getting kids with gedolim pictures.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 1:08:00 AM  
Blogger Tex said...

what are gedolim pictures?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 1:26:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Pictures of holy Rabbis.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 2:09:00 AM  
Blogger David Kelsey said...


That use of "q" was cute - very "jewlicious"!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 2:31:00 AM  
Blogger AMSHINOVER said...


Tuesday, August 30, 2005 12:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny, though a little off color. And I am not an atheist, why would you say that? (assuming GH is me)

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Un-Orthodox Jew said...

Because you are!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 3:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Yonaton....I mean Ryan said...

I'm a former baal tshuva, now I'm a shkutz. Let me tell all you ffb people, the system is really screwed up for us, and in general it is really screwed up and unfair. Their is too much corruption by Rabbis and they much be tammed like animals in a cage. They need to feel bad when they hurt peoples feelings and they need to be punished when they do things wrong. Its no wonder why klal yisrael is heading in the direction that it is, look at our leaders.

Monday, October 10, 2005 12:59:00 AM  
Blogger BTA said...

That is some funny shizznit!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 4:43:00 PM  

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