Baal Tshuva Blues

Ba'al Tshuva Blues
By Farshtoonkena Yid

His life was in tatters,
His ego destroyed,
His parents he hated,
Each day was a void.

A spastic at sports,
a failure at school,
and beset with a complex
about his small tool.

He then met a rabbi
with black hat and beard
who taught him to daven.
He got really weird.

He grew his beard long
and donned clothes of black,
He became a fanatic
and stopped wiping his crack.

His rabbi had told him,
(Or so he had thought)
that you can't use your hand
to wipe that bad spot.

So he hired a dog
To do the deed right
But then his rav told him
"A dog! He could bite!

"No dogs for a Jew!
to lick out your crack,
Grow your beard long
Get dressed in the sack!

"Don't look at women
Stop stroking your schlong
Don't even touch it,
That would be wrong!

"And don't go to movies,
And don't go to bars,
The beaches are ossur
And so are sports cars.

"Don't drink in one gulp
And cover your legs!
Don't work for a living.
Hashem said to beg!

"You can't go to college
and don't read any books.
Forget all you know
Ignore all the crooks."


The rav said to marry
he tried very hard
but no one would date him
except a retard.

And that's the sad story
of Ba'al Tshuva blues
The poor sad Ba'al Tshuva
That's the Ba'al Tshuva blues.